Abe Froman - The Sausage KING of Chicago

fuso13 @ 2004-06-04T15:52:00

2004-06-04T19:52:48Z

This nonsense is friends only from now on.

fuso13 @ 2004-05-19T18:57:00

2004-05-19T22:56:25Z

Uh, is this a joke?

ANDY LIVES?!?

Jeeeeeesus

2004-05-17T21:55:19Z

I just walked back into the student lab, and someone has installed a fucking DOKKEN SCREENSAVER on one of the machines.

DOKKEN

Here's a little 80's hair band joke for you guys.

A guy and a girl are making out in a car. The girl leans over and whispers "Baby, kiss me where it stinks" seductively, into the guy's ear...

So he takes her to a Dokken concert.

PHEW!

2004-05-07T21:35:09Z

Man like 7 kids just got shot at the high school my girlfriend teaches at. She was getting her nails done at the time, thank God. *sends one up to the big man*

Hey WMAR, when 7 children get shot in one location that tends to be....gee I dunno like national fucking news? Why is the weather guy talking about taking his crotchety old mom out to brunch for mother's day? Or talking about some lame ass sailboat sitting in the harbor?

WTF

Shut up and give us the fucking news, NORM. Serve your goddamn purpose.

fuso13 @ 2004-05-06T13:51:00

2004-05-06T17:59:50Z

In case you haven't noticed, I can't stop posting to my journal today.

Honestly though, you need to hear this. Yesterday the handicapped toilet in the men's room overflowed, again. All of the heinous poo water dripped down into the cubicles of the company located below us, again. The accident also left little "treats" all over the floor if you catch my drift. I almost fell over backward when I saw the awful carnage and decided at that very moment that the devil himself had in fact, stopped by to take a shit.

Anyway, Randy the poor maintenance guy told me that after putting on humongus shoulder high industrial gloves, forged in another world centuries ago from raw kryptonite and "fishing around" down there, he found out that somebody here had sabotaged the commode by fashioning a makeshift net out of unwound paperclips and jammed it down the hole, thus ensuring that no poops would get down.

Remember kids, people can always surprise you.

I was intercepted by management en-route to the mens room with a sign that said:

"In regards to going elbow-deep into a public toilet in order to screw it up, even if you win buddy...you still lose."

I was simply told "No"

Way to go Planters

2004-05-03T13:41:17Z

Man, way to call your snack food "Nut Poppers"

MAN

2004-04-08T22:53:44Z

Dear Shomer-Tec,

I have a few questions.

1. If I were to take your advice and leave your product "in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home" wouldn't people visiting my house think that I did not know how to wipe my rear end properly?

2. How does a pair of underwear with "special markings" and a bottle of "doo drops" qualify as law enforcement or military equipment?

3. Why couldn't I just use the bathroom, not wipe, then go ride my bike for an hour thus saving myself $9 + shipping and handling?

4. Could I wear Brief Safe safely? Were I to get searched by a mugger or raped in a back alley I would most definitely want the power of skid marks on my side.

Thank you,

A Consumer

Sweeeeeet

2004-03-03T14:42:14Z

Cannondale bikes are the shit. Come to Butthead.

If you're looking for me...

2004-03-01T17:25:06Z

Ok I know this is lame, but I think the theme song for Sealab 2021 is incredibly catchy. Has anyone out there ever heard of Calamine? Are they any good?

Ha, dreams are funny

2004-02-18T17:58:04Z

Man I had a messed up dream this morning.

For whatever reason, at 4am my Palm Pilot started going apeshit. Beeping for no reason and what not. In my dream it manifested itself as Julie sitting on the end of my bed in a tank top and pajama bottoms with the morning sun on her face. She was playing a game boy or something and looking absolutely adorable, as usual.

Right at the part where she nuzzled up close to me and started and playing with my hair, I woke up. It was completely dark and I looked over and said "OH it's just my fucking nerd tackle going off, HOW WONDERFUL!"

Randomness

2004-02-17T23:15:33Z

Ok so I right-clicked and pasted on some random document to see what was on my clipboard and I swear this is what came up.

:P(_*_)

I forgot that I copied that like 7 hours ago. A nickel to you if you can figure out what it is.

It's about time.

2004-02-16T22:32:42Z

I just want to say that I'm in a really good place right now. Things are good.

awwww

2004-02-14T17:06:37Z

Hey Jill,

Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

If I'm so childish, I better start living up to my reputation. Give that awesome boyfriend of yours a big kiss for me there skeezer.

*SMOOCHES*

Yeah I'm immature, so fucking sue me

2004-02-10T22:22:39Z

Exhibit A:

The kind of IM's that you typically won't get a response to:

Fuso13: Ok man, seriously
Fuso13: How much money would it take for you to kiss Kenny Wilkinson on his butthole?
Fuso13: I'd probably do it for $5,000,000
Fuso13: But no less
Fuso13: Dude?

No No NO!

2004-02-10T02:17:09Z

Textureslut!!! Come back to us!

Fucking son of a bitch!

2004-02-09T22:16:35Z

Ok, remember how I said that nothing would get me down today? I lied. So I've been sitting here for an hour going "Why in the hell do my fingers smell like chocolate?!?!"

I just found out why. My pocket is full, fucking FULL of melted chocolate. I put 5 Dove pieces in there like 4 hours ago and forgot all about them. I turned my pocket inside out and it totally looks like I took an enormous shit inside my pocket, then slapped myself on the thigh. Oh, and the front of my pants have a big greasy brown splotch on them. It's cool though, it diverts people's attention from where I spilled my entire breakfast on my other leg this morning.

Hey, at least I don't have to stand in front of 20 people tonight and teach a lab for 3 hours! Phew! Oh wait, YES I FUCKING DO.

*fiiiind a happy plaaaace*

That's right

2004-02-04T13:09:49Z

It's now

Craig Brown, the hardest working man in IT

2004-01-27T18:48:38Z

Once a year we get this gigantic box of promotional bullshit from Microsoft at work. Included with all the garbage this year was a giant white flag that says:

Knowledge, Experience, Commitment - MICROSOFT

In the middle of updating our exchange server I crouched down on all fours, had Chris drape the flag over my shoulders, outstretched my hand, shook my head back and forth and said "Can't go on, can't go on."

Feeling a sudden burst of energy I shot up and threw the flag and Chris aside and went "YEAAAAW!" and proceeded to finish my work.

Do they really expect me to do more than this on a day where we should be at home anyway?

fuso13 @ 2004-01-14T17:35:00

2004-01-14T22:40:18Z

The double quarter pounder with cheese.

Why don't they call that shit the half pounder with cheese?

Warning, may cause BONERS

2004-01-12T19:33:45Z

I'm taking this medicine now that has a possible side-effect of

PROLONGED ERECTION

Pray for me.

Inspired by Nick

2004-01-08T20:23:18Z

Hallmark Entertainment Presents: Great Moments in Film

#5 Old School - The dart man, you got a fucking dart in your neck

Frank the Tank shoots himself in the neck with the tranquilizer dart and everything slows down. You're crazy! I like you, cuz you're crazy.

#4 Full Metal Jacket - The introduction of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman

Thank you R Lee Ermey. Without this movie my vocabulary would decrease by almost half due to the loss of words like "peter-puffer" and "skullfuck". I remember the look on my kid sister's face the first time I told her she better square her ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cuff-links.

#3 UHF - Stanley Spadowski's speech "Life is like a mop"

Man, every time I clean a floor from now on I'm gonna yell "These floors are dirty as hell, and I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

#2 Pulp Fiction - Ezekiel 25:17

"For you will KNOW my name is THE LORD, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" If I were going to kill your ass, I'd probably say the same thing. Then your ass be as dead as muthafuckin fried chicken.

#1 Kill Bill - 88 amputees

Man, hot girls with swords that cut people's arms and legs off? You don't need me to tell you that it fucking rules.

Paging Dr. Cock-Ass...Dr. Cock-Ass you're needed in the ER

2004-01-08T17:59:13Z

Something is going on with my lower back. It hurts, call the waaaambulance. Anyway I tried to schedule a doctors appointment (I've never been to my doctor before) and the bastard totally insulted me over the phone. Check it:

"Hi Dr. DeBorja, I was wondering if I could schedule an appointment for tomorrow?"
"What's the problem?"
"Something is wrong with my lower back, it really hurts."
"I'm not giving you any pills."
"Uhhh, that's not what I want...see, there's a problem with my back."
"I'm not writing you any prescriptions for painkillers."
"No, wait I.."
"Come in tomorrow"
*CLICK*

I call back

"Hi, IT'S ME AGAIN."
"What is it?"
"Are you going to write my name down or even give me a time to come in!?!"
"Come in at 4 goodbye"
*CLICK*

So eff that guy. I called right away and changed my doctor to someone who isn't a complete and total ass-doucher.

fuso13 @ 2004-01-05T13:18:00

2004-01-05T18:24:17Z

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind...

YOU'RE MY BOY BLUE!

You ASSHOLE

2004-01-04T20:10:12Z

Special thanks to Orlando Brown for costing us the game yesterday, and for knocking me out of the survivor pool at work. Two unnecessary roughness calls during a fucking playoff game??? I want your head on a stick.

Version 2.0, now with less shit talking!

2003-12-23T18:23:39Z

Lets try this again...

So I found out that my xmas present from my dad is to go skydiving with him in the spring. Well pops calls me last night to make sure I really want to do it, then tells me that we're going on Saturday instead. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but if it's 30 degrees on the ground, doesn't that mean it's like -100 degrees up there? Dad says not to worry and that I'll be too focused on not shitting in my pants to even notice the temperature. That's probably true considering that lately I've had that same fucking problem while standing firmly on the ground. We'll see.

Well, like my family always says "Tis' the season to toy around with death".

Wish me luck.